How to Make Facebook Work For You, or How to Win Friends and Manipulate People

Facebook? More like Fakebook, where everyone posts pictures of their augmented reality. Girls posing sideways, stomach sucked in, butt arched out, breasts thrust forward, their mouth making the every-so-annoying “duckface” lips as they look up at the camera for the selfie. Despite it’s annoyances, Facebook can be a useful tool.

Here’s 5 ways to make Facebook work for you.

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1. Unfollow
Unfollow anyone who does not add value to your life
I’m not into animals. I’m not into dogs or cats or pet snakes or pet turtles. Leave those creatures in the wild. Whenever I see a chick with some dog that she’s walking along the sidewalk, I think “Oh, that’s annoying, it’s New York City and you have your stupid Furry Poop Machine (FPM) with it’s extender leash acting as a trip wire, except this trip wire is roaming wherever your pet roams.” I don’t want to see pictures of your pet. It’s annoying. It reminds me that you made a bad investment. 15 – 20 years owning a Furry Poop Machine. You don’t add value to my life. Unfollow. Then again, if you own a pet and your someone who can add value to my life, I follow you.

2. Groups and Communities
Join Groups and Communities with similar interests. Go to physical meetups. Connect. Share. Learn.

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3. Online Storage
Upload all the pictures and videos from your phone to your Facebook page and set the setting as “private”. Use Facebook as an online storage. Most people use Facebook like a digital scrapbook that everyone can see. Use it as a digital scrapbook that only you can see.

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4. Manipulation
Manipulation is a comfortable chair and we are the furniture makers. You can use Facebook as a way to win friends and manipulate people. How? Begin by recognizing that everyone is chasing a feeling. Because Facebook is Fakebook, a veneer that rests above our everyday routine, we can manipulate that reality in order to get what we want.

How?

By making our lives look so much more exciting than the lives of other people. It’s easier than you think. However, one must exercise this technique sparingly, or it will come across as “trying to hard”. I will tell you how I did it and have done it, with beneficial results. A few months ago, I was trying to get the attention of a certain girl and she was not responding to my texts. So, I stopped texting her.

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I noticed that she liked certain Facebook posts, in which I was at some secret location or event, having fun, with others who she did not know. I decided to use this to my advantage. I google searched “NYC rooftop parties best parties” and searched for within the “images”. I found an image I liked, downloaded it, made a few alterations to the picture using Photoline (a Photoshop-type program), then uploading it to Facebook. I added the date the night before, and the time as 12:30am. In the location, I put “NYC”. In the description, I put, “enjoying music and rooftop views with someone special”. Literally seconds within posting, that girl liked the picture, followed by many other girls “liking” the picture and a few commenting “who’s the lucky girl?”. I did not answer any of them. Better to let the answer simmer in their imagination until it grows into a forest of curiosity that they will never be able to satisfy.

Curiosity + charm is a currency, especially here in New York City, where everyone is chasing a feeling and everyone wants something.

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kris kemp
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kris kemp

creative director at Gravity Films Productions
Hi.I'm a writer, musician, creative entrepreneur, and the author of the the rails.Currently, I'm living in Bushwick, Brooklyn, New York, and am in pre-production for a musical that I wrote, as well as my first feature film, 'jordy'. Contact me at: bicycledays@yahoo.com
kris kemp
Follow Me
About kris kemp 31 Articles
Hi. I'm a writer, musician, creative entrepreneur, and the author of the the rails. Currently, I'm living in Bushwick, Brooklyn, New York, and am in pre-production for a musical that I wrote, as well as my first feature film, 'jordy'. Contact me at: bicycledays@yahoo.com

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